


Just Keep Breathing *hiatus*

by carcinaGeneticist



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Humanstuck, M/M, Mituna and Sollux not related, Psychosis, Relationship Confusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-27 16:56:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carcinaGeneticist/pseuds/carcinaGeneticist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee has been living on his own for some time now. He's grown used to doing whatever it takes to survive. He's grown used to being alone. He's grown used to ignoring the voices in his head...</p><p>He thought he would be okay as long as he never got close to anyone. As long as he was alone; he couldn't hurt anyone. As far as he knew, he would be alone for the rest of his life...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Another Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this based around a very tragic event I thought of for Gamzee. If he was human; this would prolly happen to him. That's just his luck :(

You can hear the squeak of wood beneath carpet as someone creeps past your room. You should be sleeping but you're worried about your big brother. Kurloz never came out of the bathroom before you went to bed and you thought you heard him crying through the door. You had knocked and called to him but he did not answer. You just know it was him in the hallway so you slide out of bed and tiptoe across your room. You silently crack your door open and, just as you thought, you see Kurloz slinking through the shadows. He does not go to his room, however. Instead, he slips into your parent's room and closes the door behind him. Your heart begins to slam against your sternum and the breath you try to take gets stuck in your throat.

You know this scene. You're frozen in place as your legs ache to take you into your parent's room but you know what awaits you there.

You can't do this again.

No...

Please.......no...

You feel yourself inching towards the door of the evil room.

OhGod no

Not again......you see your hand reach out for the door knob...

NO!

You throw yourself out of bed and into a not-so-lovely meeting between your face and the floor. You're hurting a lot now but it was enough to wake you from that horrible dream. You sigh and turn your head to face the door of your bathroom and away from your bed. Who are you kidding? That was no nightmare; it was your own fucked up memories and you'll be damned if you're going to relive that hell. You stay on the floor until light sneaks into your small room from the window under the crack in your blackout curtains.

Today is going to motherfucking suck.

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you do not like starting your day negatively.

You push yourself off the floor and head to the bathroom. Once inside, you look at your reflection in the mirror and you scrunch up your nose at the very tired person who looks back at you. There are heavy bags under your dark blue, almost purple, eyes and your face is ghostly. You're not too worried about it though since your face paint will hide all that. You shove your black boxers down to the floor and step back, away from them. You turn towards the shower on your left and bend down to start the water.

It takes you about 10 minutes in the shower. The rest of the time is spent putting on your face paint and making sure it doesn't get in your mass of unruly hair. You then shuffle around your tiny closet and dresser for clean clothes.

Now fully dressed in baggy, dark blue jeans, a plain black t-shirt and dark purple zip-up hoodie, unzipped, with your white face paint mask on, you're ready to start making this a much better motherfucking day. You grab your ipod from the coffee table and stick an ear bud in each ear and head out the door. Your favorite tunes fill your ears. The frigid air outside effectively clears your mind as it invades your lungs. You feel better already as you look up at the bright sun. What a beautiful Goddamn day.


	2. Karkat?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter from Karkat's POV ^.^

You take a familiar path through the city. Today is your day off from work and you need a distraction after that nightmare. You pass idly through the scenery of buildings all around that you have become accustomed to. No one notices you ghosting through the crowds of people that shuffle about everywhere. That's just the way you like it. You lose yourself in the bustling and blindly let your feet navigate wherever fate decides.

You finally flop down on a wooden bench and blink a few times to get your bearings. Looks like you ended up in one of the smaller, less crowded parks. Well, ain't that motherfucking peaceful. You smile to yourself and lean back watching the little kids play on the structures built just for them. You remember a time when you were that young and you wish, not for the first time, that it could have stayed that way. You shake your head slowly and move your gaze to the other people around. You like to imagine what their lives are like. 

'Oh, I can't forget to stop at the grocery store before I get the kids.' 'Shit, I didn't study for that sociology test!' 'I really hope all of this running will help me lose weight.' 

Such nice and normal and mundane lives. They don't know of the horrors waiting in every crack to slither into and corrupt everything you care about. No one should have to carry that burden.

The sounds of birds chirping, dogs barking, and children laughing are more appealing than your music right now. You pull the ear buds out and just listen. The world is making some wicked tunes of its own and its helping you get your zen on. You close your eyes and breathe deep as the wind whistles through the branches and leaves all around you. You feel like you're gliding away with it.

"Hey, clowny asshole!"

Your smile widens at the thought of a voice you haven't heard in years. You wonder what conjured it from the depths of your labyrinth of a mind. You feel your stomach flip over itself, in a good way, as you picture the owner of that voice. Thick, fluffy black hair and an adorable frown that, very rarely, can turn into a dazzling smile with big gray eyes. What a motherfucking miracle to be thinking about him again.

Something smacks across your head suddenly.

You slowly open your eyes and turn to your left where the assault came from. You trail your eyes up to the face of the person that smacked you and your heart skips a beat. It wasn't a dream. 

He's right the fuck here. You just stare, your smile faltering slightly.

What the motherfuck is this motherfucker doing here?

How the hell did he all up and find you?

Must be some Goddamned motherfuckin' miracles.

He looks exactly the same with a too-big black hoodie on over grey skinny jeans and solid black converse. Even down to the dark, heavy bags under those big grey eyes that are now narrowed as he scowls at you. And even that is the same.

He can't actually be here........right?

"I said 'HEY', Gamzee! Fucking answer me you ass-licking moron!" the boy shouts and crosses his thin arms over his chest and kicks your foot. Your mind is blank.

"Karkat." it's all you can force out right now because nothing seems to be working at the moment.

"Oh, so you DO remember me. Fan-fucking-tastic! Now I can resume being pissed off at you for disappearing for twelve long-ass years with no warning and not so much as a shitty hipster douche 'sup'!" Karkat uncrosses his arms to make air quotes and then lets them fall to his sides.

You're still having trouble believing he's here.

"Am I all up and dreaming right now?" you're still staring.

He grabs a handful of your wild mane of black hair and yanks it. Hard.

"OW!" you're pulled to the left a bit and you reach for his hand but he releases you with a grunt.

"Does that answer your fucking question?"

"I motherfuckin' guess so" you answer, rubbing your head where he tugged your hair. "How did you all up and find me, bro?" his right eye twitches when you say "bro".

"'Bro'? 'BRO'!? What part of your stolid, pathetic excuse of a brain makes you fucking believe you can refer to me as your bro?! I wasn't even looking for your dumb clown ass and here the fuck you are just as ignorant as I fucking thought! All of us gave up the Goddamned search for you years ago because no matter what we tried it seemed like you just couldn't be fucking bothered by all the people you ditched while we worried ourselves sick!" By this time his arms are flailing about and he has attracted a large amount of attention that you don't like. You can feel your heart start to race.

"Whoa, motherfucker. Chill." You're standing now and throwing one of your long arms around Karkat's shoulders. All of you is pretty long and lanky so you're a good foot or so taller than Karbro and you imagine that this looks kind of funny. You chuckle to yourself and that lightens the pressure building in your chest and head. He lets out an angry growl and you shoosh him, dragging him away from the park and onlookers. You don't know where you're taking him but anywhere away from people would be a start. You head towards your apartment.

 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Back in your apartment, you finally free the struggling, expletive-shouting boy. He staggers slightly but regains his balance quickly as he spins around to face you, his cute angry face back with a vengeance.

At some point during your struggle back home, you started to hear a soft snickering somewhere in the distance. It has now escalated to a full-out menacing cackle and there was never any real doubt that it is just in your head. You can't let that go on. The whispers will start up soon.

Turning away from Karkat, you quickly pull a tin labeled mints from a tiny pocket in the inside of your hoodie. You pop it open, shove a pill from inside into your mouth, replace the tin, and grab the bottle of faygo sitting on the counter in front of you. You turn back to the tiny boy and lift the half of your mouth without the pill in what you hope is a natural looking grin and hold the bottle out to him.

"I don't want any of that shit." He snaps, frown deepening (how is that even motherfucking possible?) and crosses his arms over his chest again. You shrug and take a drink. The fizzy elixir washes down your throat with the pill. That takes care of the noise in your head and Karkat seems not to have noticed anything. You're grinning even wider now, teeth showing and all.

"You can all up and resume yellin' at me now." You say and picture yourself looking like the Cheshire Cat with your grin.

"OH! Why thank you so fucking much, your highness, for this gracious honor!" His eyebrows are all scrunched up and his eyes are narrowed.

Laughter breaks free of you. You can't stop it. You're kind of overwhelmed with emotions and the miracle of him being here right now.

After a couple minutes you pull yourself together and wipe a couple of tears that gathered at the corners of your eyes. You reach out and grab the boy in front of you and pull him against you, wrapping your arms around him. He's flailing again but his shouts of protest are muffled against your chest. He was never stronger than you so his struggling is useless. He eventually gives up and just stands there while you hug him. You know you shouldn't be doing this. You should shove him out the door and tell him to run. Take his blinding warm light and run far away from this monster. You don't want to though. You're a selfish motherfucker and you don't want to let him go again. For the first time in years, you feel safe.

You do let him free of your grasp after another minute though. For now.

"This situation is so fucking absurd," he says pushing away from you and looking every other direction but yours. "I don't even know what to do or where to start." he mumbles but you hear him because he's still pretty close to you. "I was so worried, Gamzee." Its a whisper this time and you think that's what he said. He looks so tired all of a sudden and your smile shatters. You lift your arms to pull him in again but he smacks them away and takes a big step back. "NO! I want fucking words! Open your gaping maw and give me an explanation!" he clenches his fists.

You don't want to tell him. The thought of admitting the truth makes you feel like walls are closing in around you while a boulder sits on your chest pinning you down. Your father will find out and have you locked away like your brother. Deep down, you know that would be for the best but you just want to be free. Free and normal. You step to your left, away from the door, and lower your head.

"You might as well motherfucking leave then. If it was such an easy thing as all that I woulda all up and told a motherfucker years ago." You try really hard to keep the emotions out of your voice and you think it works. You know you should be acting like everything is okay so he stays away but its hard just doing this.

"Oh come-the fuck-on, Gamzee! You can't seriously kick me out after dragging me all the way here! You're being an even bigger douchenozzle than normal. What the fuck is up with you? Let's just-"

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!" Its now your turn to clench your hands up. You're even more disgusted with yourself now. You didn't want to yell. You didn't want this to end badly. You don't even want him to leave but you can't give him the explanation. You can't look at him. You hear him sigh followed by the sounds of the door knob turning. The door closes and a whimper escapes from you. You lift your shaking hands up and open your fingers. There are red crescents indented in your palms now from your nails. A couple have little drops of blood swelling out. You sink to the floor and hug your knees against you as tears force their way down your cheeks.

You should have never brought him here. You should have run when you saw him. You know you have to be alone. You know its the only solution if you want to keep the people you care about safe while staying free. You're so selfish. He'll hate you now for sure but its better that way. He won't try to come back if he hates you. It really is for the best. It has to be this way.


	3. Step One

Your name is Karkat Vantas and...well...you really just feel like punching something.

Here you are living a perfectly average life; going off to college, getting a part time job, living on your own. You were starting to feel calmed by the everyday routine of it all and out of no where comes Gamzee. The initial relief of finding him alive was quickly overshadowed by the anger you've been burying since you were eleven. 

He had disappeared from your hometown about twelve years ago with no warning. The town had searched for him for over a year. His dad dropped out then and it always struck you as very odd but you figured he was just stressed and overworked. The man had been through a lot. So had Gamzee. 

You couldn't find Gamzee anywhere and even though he took his laptop with him, you never got an answer from him. You eventually moved on. Or tried to. What else could you do? Sit and mope that your best friend left you and it's all your fault? Just another thing to add to the long ass list of things you blame yourself for. 

You keep going because you're sick of dealing with the repercussions if you don't. You learned early on that if you act like you're okay, people leave you alone. You had no one to talk to about anything, not that you would have anyway. Your "problems" are so petty and don't deserve anyone's attention but your own. 

Gamzee had needed you and you clearly dropped the ball on that one since he just ran away. That's your cross to bear an no one else should have to. 

But POOF. There he was in the fucking park as you were walking by on your way to get coffee before classes. You couldn't believe your eyes. Of course it was him though. There was no mistaking that asshole.

You didn't expect that being around him would make you this angry. He actually had the balls to kick you out of his rat hole apartment after dragging your ass there against your will! After all that fucking affection too! Was it all just an act? Was he back there laughing at you right now? He should be begging you to forgive him for making you worry about him for nothing!

Whoa. Okay, Karkat. Breathe. 

You take a deep breath and exhale slowly. You still feel hot and tense as you clench and unclench your fists. You start counting and breathing slower.

One, Gamzee is not an asshole.

Two, you're happy he's not fucking dead.

Three, you need to calm the fuck down.

Four, you need to figure out a way to handle this better.

Five, you did the right thing walking away if you're this FUCKING ANGRY!

Six, calm.

Seven, after all, he seemed genuinely upset...

Fuck. You think back to Gamzee's face as you closed the door. Yep, you're certain that had been a tear hanging from his chin.

You can't stay mad at him now. Not while he looked that torn up. What an asshole...

You feel much heavier now as exhaustion grips you. Fucking short fused motherfucking piece of shit. You think of a few more curses for yourself as you finally get to your school and head inside.

The rest of your day goes by in a sort of trance as you try to formulate a plan of action. You need to go about this in a calm and subtle and rational manner. You scoff at yourself for thinking you can be calm and subtle. At least you are kind of rational when you need to be.

You may have issues with anger and some other things but when you decide to do something, you make it fucking happen. You don't half-ass anything. That bull is for babies and lazy fuckwits that just take up space. You think things through and try to consider everything. Granted, things don't always work out for you but at least you did something. You can never say you didn't try.

You figure that the Gamzee situation is going to take some fucking finesse. Not much since Gamzee has never been quick on the uptake but a little.

Not that Gamzee isn't intelligent. He could be.

If you come at him like you did before, he's going to be all defensive and won't tell you a damned thing. You have to start acting like a friend and not the angry little gremlin that your brother compares you to.

Fuck him. Fuck his stupid, arrogant face and his gay red sweater and stupid haircut and sanctimonious preaching...

Goddamnit.

Breathe.

One. Two. Three...

You make yourself release the change you were clenching into the now frightened customer's hand. You slap your hand to your face as the pretty girl literally runs out of the store to get away from you.

You space out again trying to focus on your plans. You will start tomorrow. You will march right up to his apartment, knock on the door, and demand that the two of you hang out. Seems pretty fucking lame but you have to take things slow. You've got to prove that he can trust you.

The rest of the day passes in a blur of color and noises until you end up at the door of the apartment you share with your roommate and one of your best friends.

Fuck.

Should you tell him that you found Gamzee?

Shit. Your stomach twists into a knot.

Wait. Why do you feel so nervous about this? Its good news and you and your roommate were close to Gamzee growing up. He was sure to feel just as relieved as you. Sure they might have kind of drifted apart before Gamzee left but that was then.

You can even call Gamzee's dad and let him know. Yeah, this will be great. A big fucking reunion all feels and touchy and shit. Fucking awesome.

You unlock the door and open it. Stepping inside, your nose is assaulted by various off-putting smells. You fling the door shut with such force that it causes a tremor through everything close by.

"Hey KK!" comes a nasal shout from one of the rooms down the pitch black hallway.

"How the everloving fuck do you live with this stench?! I'm going to hurl the instant noodles I had for lunch all over the living room!" you gag as you grab a box of matches and start fumbling with them to get the candle on the coffee table lit. You keep it there for such an occasion.

Sollux becomes immersed in his work sometimes and forgets to do everyday things. When he's in the cyberworld its like he becomes a zombie in the real one and might not even eat or move from his computer chair for days. Its just not fucking healthy so you'll make him eat if it gets that bad. Sure, he's pissed at first but then the hunger sets in.

"Thop being so dramatic."

Years of speech classes has almost gotten rid of the terrible lisp that Sollux had since you were kids. 

You look up to see him smirking at you from the entrance of the dark hallway. His hair is lank and unkempt and he doesn't even have pants on. He's wearing his silly bumblebee print boxers and a black v-neck: his 3d shades hanging from the collar.

"You couldn't be bothered with pants, I see."

"Not for you, baby."

You pinch the bridge of your nose and close your eyes. "No, we're not doing the playful, misleading bromance shit right now. Listen, I've got big news." You open your eyes.

You have his complete attention now. "Okay, listening."

You hesitate.

The words can't make it past the lump in your throat and you can just see how you must look right now with your mouth hanging open. Sollux raises an eyebrow expectantly.

Fuck. Say SOMETHING! Why can't you just say you found Gamzee?

You close your mouth, swallow, and try again. 

Your throat clenches up again as a memory slaps you in the face. A young girl laying, unconscious with her head on the wood boxing in a sandbox. You're shaking her but she doesn't wake up. Gamzee is gone when you turn around.

Sollux knew what happened. Everyone did because you told them but they didn't believe it was an accident.

"I got into the advanced computer science class." you say instead and you feel bad instantly. Sure, you've lied to him before but only when it had to do with something about yourself.

You did actually get into the class though so its not a complete lie. You can just see your father shaking his head at you with his arms crossed.

"Oh shit. Congrats, KK. You're lucky I told the profethor I wanted to work alone too. I'll tell him I changed my mind since we already know each other and I'm confident in your ability to not be so horrible that you ruin my work." He winks his left blue eye. His other eye is brown. 

You flick your middle finger up towards him and he grins and heads to the kitchen. You sink down onto the couch. Why are you still worried about that? You were just kids and it was twelve years ago. Surely it would be the proverbial water under the fucking bridge by now?

You're tossing and turning in your bed now trying to go to sleep but your thoughts keep skipping through childhood memories. You, Gamzee, Sollux, Kurloz, and sometimes Tavros would play together all the time. Gamzee would always follow you when playing hide-and-seek because you were the best at hiding. He would grab your hand a lot and just hold onto it even if you tried to yank it from him. He always smiled when you looked at him. He was always taller than you but he clung to you like you were the only thing keeping him there.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are Karkat and you are seven years old. You're sitting in a tree with your best friend, Gamzee, who is eight.

He's sitting close to you and your shoulders are pressed together. You're watching your feet swing back and forth even though Gamzee has stopped talking now. Its warm and sunny which is why you're taking a break in the shady tree.

You don't remember what Gamz was saying but you don't think it matters. You think he's spaced out again since he hasn't asked for a response yet.

Something wet squishes against your cheek. You jump and swing your hand up to swat whatever it is off your face but it connects with soft hair. 

You turn to your right where Gamzee is just as he's straightening up and he has a big toothy smile on his face. You gape at him. Why did he just kiss you?

"My mom said that you can kiss someone you care about." He states as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Only certain kinds of 'care', dummy." You grumble, hand rubbing your cheek where his slightly chapped lips were.

He frowns causing his bottom lip to jut out and his eyebrows knit together. "I don't get it."

"You kiss someone you like-like."

"But I do like-like you. You're my best friend."

"No, you're dumb. Like-like is not the same as friend-like."

"Its not?"

"No."

"Then, how do I tell them apart?"

"I don't know. I'm only seven." you shrug but his eyebrows pull closer together and you can tell that he's thinking real hard. You sigh and shake your head.

When you look back at Gamzee, he is moving closer to you again and your face feels hot all of a sudden.

He's an inch from you when you throw yourself away from him and lose your balance.

You gasp and squeeze your eyes closed as you slip off the tree limb and your arm jerks painfully. Everything happened so fast so why haven't you hit the ground yet?

You open your eyes and look down.

Oh. You haven't hit the ground because you're hovering a couple feet above it. You look up and see an arm grasping yours tightly.

Its Gamzee. He caught you. You look at his normally tan face but its ghost white now and his eyes are so big. He huffs out a breath and a shaky smile appears.

"Miracles."

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're still Karkat and you're still tossing and turning in bed but a smile has sneaked onto your face.

"Idiot." 

You want to hold onto the mildly justified anger towards Gamzee but you feel it slipping away and you can't deny that you're relieved. You've been angry for so long about everything that you feel totally exhausted as it lets you go.

You have your first night of restful sleep since you were seven.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

You're outside of Gamzee's apartment.

You're hesitating.

What if he makes you leave again? What if he won't come with you? What if he doesn't listen to you? What if you can't do this?

You've done this kind of thing your whole life. Its self-destructive and ultimately pointless because you still end up making the decision that you originally intended to make. We're always hardest on ourselves, right?

Yeah.

You knock on the door. You don't hear anything for a few minutes. Then a loud thud comes through the door and you grab the door knob and turn. Its locked.

Of course it is, dumbass.

You hope Gamzee is okay because, knowing him, he probably tripped on one of his fucking horns and landed flat on his dumb clown face. A minute later the door opens and you are face to, well, chest with your friend.

He does not have a shirt on. You can see the slight, toned muscles of his upper body. He certainly did not let himself go all these years and its no wonder you couldn't get away from him yesterday. He is lean with thin hips and wide shoulders like the guys on the swim team from your high school. You imagine him pulling you against that smooth, hard chest and...

Nope.

You force your eyes to look up at his face and you see dark blue eyes that are sunken in and unfocused. His hair is sticking up in all directions and you think that this is what they mean by "hot mess". You're struck with the realization that you are definitely not kids anymore.

"Karkat?"

Fuck, shit, how long have you been spacing out while staring at him? Say something!

"Huh?" You grumble. Yeah, you are the most articulate person in all of history. The coveted award goes to you, you dribbling imbecile.

"Oh man. I did not expect you to motherfucking come back here." His face paint is smeared like he forgot he had it on and fell asleep like that so the frown on his face makes it look...disturbing.

"Do you want to get some lunch with me? As an apology for yesterday."

His eyebrows shoot up into the mess of black hair. "Apology? You ain't got nothin' to all up and be sorry for. That should be me all motherfuckin' sorry and whatnot."

"Whatever. Are you coming?"

A smile spreads slowly across his face and that makes him look even more creepy. "This motherfucker sure ain't gonna turn down food. Give me a little bit to get ready." He steps aside to let you in.

You make your way to the dark colored, suede couch and sit down. He practically dances off to a different room.

His apartment is filthy. He had to live alone because no roommate would tolerate this stye. There are empty faygo bottles littering the floor and just about every surface. There are random horns strewn about and you get that he likes clowns but this is fucking ridiculous. There is a pile of pizza boxes that you think may be rotting in one corner by the window on the far right. Clothes are thrown about as if he just just took the fuckers off and left them where they fell. He has a tv and dvd player on a stand against the wall in front of the couch but its covered in dust like its never been touched. 

It makes you wonder what he does with himself in his free time. You wonder what he's been doing these past twelve years. Has he been lonely? Does he have a job? Did he finish school? Does he have any friends? Does he ever think about you? 

"Okay, lets go get some motherfucking food."

You shake your head to clear it. Those kinds of thoughts are only going to make things complicated and lead to you getting angry. That can't happen. You need to stay calm. 

"Yeah." You say and get up to follow him out of the apartment. He rambles on about all the different places he likes to eat until you finally decide on a little bistro that is only a block away that he says is "bitchin'".

He suggests a few things that he liked a lot and you both order and you pay while he spaces out looking at the pastries. When he realizes what you did, he frowns for a second and then a toothy smile lights his face as he thanks you. You think the girl that took your order might have a stroke. Gamzee sits down at a little table with two chairs by the window while you wait for your food. 

"Oh gosh. I've seen him in here a couple times but he never smiles." 

You turn and face the cashier girl and her cheeks are pink. Jesus fucking balls. Okay, Gamzee isn't bad looking, you'll admit, but all the face paint kind of ruins the picture. You don't get how anyone that doesn't know him can go for that without talking to him first. Well, maybe she has talked to him and already knows he's not a creep and that's why? Her eyes settle on yours and widen.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was going to hit on your boyfriend. I didn't know."

Now your eyes widen. "What? No, he's just my friend. Why are you freaking out?"

She's twisting her hands together now. "Oh God. I'm so sorry. You were just glaring at me and I thought...I'll just shut up now." The food is brought and set in front of you by another girl from the back. "Haha, here is your food. Please enjoy!" She kind of yells the last sentence at you.

Fucking awesome. Now you can't even control when you glare at people. Nice going, jackass.

You collect the tray of food and bring it to Gamzee. He has taken no notice of the little exchange you had at the register. You sit down and you both grab what you ordered. You watch him for a minute as he takes a bite and closes his eyes. A serene smile creeps its way along his face. He slowly goes about enjoying the sandwich instead of devouring it like you thought he would.

"You better be eating that. Beautiful motherfucking food like this shouldn't be wasted." He says pointing at your untouched sandwich. You were so busy watching him that you forgot all about it.

You grab the sandwich and take a bite. Its actually really good. You both finish your sandwiches and while Gamzee sips at his water (they don't serve faygo) you start on your chips. 

Time for action.

"So, what have you been doing for work?" You ask. This seems like a pretty good thing to start with.

"I do little things here and there. Mostly, I get my chef on at an old, family owned Italian restaurant on the next street over." He explains, grinning at you.

"Oh." You blink a couple times. You didn't expect that. You're hit with the fact that the last time you saw him, he was twelve and you really don't know anything about him. Your chest feels like someone has reached in and started squeezing your insides.

By the time you get back to Gamzee's place its been about two hours and you learned a few things but not enough for your liking. He's pretty evasive but you're not sure if he's doing it on purpose.

He told you that the family that owns the restaurant he works at has helped him out a lot and working there is just a little way he can repay them. They also know the owner of the building he lives in so he was able to get a deal on rent and utilities.

He never finished where he left off in school but he got his GED. He loves cooking and music. In his free time he walks around the city and helps out some locally owned businesses with odd jobs. He tells you about this sweet, little old lady that owns a flower shop nearby that he recently helped stock a shipment of glass vases. 

He tells you that the world is full of kind people and miracles and life is a beautiful thing. You wish you could see things through his eyes.

You remember that he was not like this before he left. Things were pretty bad for a while and even after they seemed to be okay, he was never really okay. He was always on edge and paranoid. You had caught him stealing from his dad's liquor cabinet once when you stayed at his house.

Thinking about all that now, leaving was probably the best thing for him. He really seems to be okay now. You hope he is.

Your insides are being squeezed again and you silently tell that invisible bastard that he really needs to stop doing that because its making you fucking uncomfortable.

Gamzee unlocks the door to his apartment and turns back to face you. He smiles down at you for a second and then pulls you into a tight embrace. You let him hold onto you because he is warm and its pretty cold outside and it just feels nice.

"I'm gonna have to repay you for today." He says, chin resting on the top of your head.

"Not necessary." You mumble against him.

He chuckles and its deeper than when you were kids. His voice is deeper too. He looks and sounds like a mature adult. Unlike you. You look and sound like a child still.

You brace yourself to start feeling angry over these thoughts but it doesn't happen. The world must have gone and fucking exploded and you are only a little surprised to find that you are okay with that.

"I know. Tomorrow night around 11 at night, come by my restaurant and I'll motherfucking cook for you." He says and lets go of you. 

You look up at him and he's smiling. You say "okay" because, in that moment, you don't think you could have said no to him if he had asked you to jump off a cliff.

You leave with the address to his workplace in your hand and a thick ball of nervous in your stomach. So much for being able to focus in classes today.


	4. He's a Mother Fucking Miracle

You are Gamzee Makara and you are so motherfuckin' happy you think you might have tripped, face first, into Shangri-La.

Oh. Haha, no, you just tripped, face first, into your bedroom. Hello floor, nice to see you again. We should stop all up and meeting like this though. It is starting to motherfuckin' hurt, bro. Honk.

You roll over on your back and stare at the white, popcorn textured ceiling and laugh. You don't stop laughing for a few minutes; until your stomach hurts. It has felt so good to laugh like this. It's because of him. Your Karkat, the little miracle. He came back and he was not mad. He does not hate you and he came back.

You think it is okay to feel happy and to be a little selfish this time because he came back on his own. You want to spend more time with him. He makes you feel all floaty inside, like you could float away, and you really like that. He smells like apples and cinnamon when you hug him.

You wonder how you have gone so long without him. He's still so tiny and you want to hold him close and keep him safe. You want to hide him away so nothing else can find him. Hide him somewhere nothing bad can follow. Where nothing can hurt him. Where he won't feel any bad anymore. You could send him there in a deep sleep. You could make him sleep so he never has to wake up again. Yes, it would be so easy, Gamzee. I can put him to "sleep" for you and then he will be "safe".

You jump off the floor and dash to the bathroom, flinging open the medicine cabinet. You grab several pill bottles and pop open the lids and take pills out of the bottles you need one by one. You slam three pills into your mouth at once and swallow.

You freeze as you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. No, that is not you. Those eyes are dead and they are not motherfucking yours. The face that looks like yours lifts the corners of its mouth into a smile but it is menacing. That is not me, you say in your head. You say this again and again. You're screaming it now, out loud.

"THAT IS NOT ME! THAT IS NOT ME! THATISNOTME!"

You squeeze your eyes shut and smash your fist into the mirror. It takes a second for the pain to sink in but you welcome it and even feel relieved that it still comes. You do not open your eyes.

You feel around the sink for the other half of the blunt you smoked before leaving. You know you left it there with a lighter for later and you really need it now. Your hand lays down over it and you snatch it up. You feel the lighter next to it and grab that too. You get the right end in your mouth and light it; still without opening your eyes. You do not want to see that face again.

You take a long drag and hold it. You lean back against the wall and slide down to the floor. You exhale. You can feel your hands trembling as you bring the object back to your lips for another drag.

You finish it off, glad for the lightheaded feeling you now have, and lay yourself on your side on the cold, tiled floor. You bring your knees up and hug them close. You let sleep haul you away, you are too tired to fight it even if you wanted to.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You drift, slowly back to consciousness and open your eyes. You are still on the floor of your bathroom and there is dried blood next to you. Not a lot but not a little and your right hand is starting to scab up. Motherfucker stings too.

You get up and survey the damage to your medicine cabinet. Your fist smashed through everything, leaving a hole that you can see the contents through. Hah, you're pretty motherfuckin' strong when you freak out, you think grimly. You open the door and take out your pill bottles to take your first round of them for the day. You exit the bathroom and go to your closet. You open the door and move a couple things around until you can reach your bong that you keep in the back and pull it out. You're going to enjoy some quality time with this before you have to go in to work.

You sit down on your bed with the smoking device and check the clock. It is noon. You slept for about twenty-four hours. You sure caught some wicked Z's this time. No wonder you feel stiff and achy. Also, sleeping on the floor of the bathroom. Yeah.

You pull the middle drawer of your bedside table out and rummage through it for your stash. When you find it, you pack some in and light up. You get a good high going on and lay back on your unmade bed to get your relax on.

About an hour later you get up and start getting ready for work. It takes a while to get ready since you have to attempt to exert a modicum of control over your hair to get it tied back after you wash and dry it. You then apply your face paint. The owners let you wear it since you don't ever leave the kitchen. Today you also have to bandage up your hand, apparently.

By the time all this is finished, it is almost three and time to go. You lock up your apartment and head downstairs and outside. 

You always take your time walking anywhere. Everything around is so interesting and beautiful in its own motherfuckin' way. Everywhere you turn, you see miracles. Everything is connected and magical in that way. Like the butterfly that flew in front of you just now. You know they start off as caterpillars? How do they know to change into something so beautiful? Miracles, that's how. And computers? Oh man, those fuckers do everything without even trying. How do they do that? Its miraculous.

You look up and you are in front of your job. You have no idea how you got here so fast and you smile at this newest miracle. You go around to the back and enter through the big, silver service entrance doors.

You work in a family owned Italian restaurant that is pretty elaborate. You know the owners make a nice living on this business because people keep coming back and there are several regulars. Some of them have met you before because they wanted to meet the chef of such "wonderful food". Some were surprised because you think they may have thought you look intimidating for some reason but once you chatted a bit, they seemed even less enthused about meeting you.

One guy in particular; a large, well dressed man with an accent, you think it might actually be Italian, seems to have taken a liking to you. He raved that you were the only American able to make decent, authentic Italian cuisine. You can't help but feel pleased that someone so clearly powerful praises you so. You really just like to cook, that's all.

Tonight, you will have a real challenge because you are cooking for Karkat. You really hope he likes your food. You just came out from the owner's office and he said that it was okay to have Karkat come by as long as you make sure everything is clean and lock up when you leave. He handed you the keys for the restaurant and gave you a firm handshake. He told you he wished you luck on your "date" and that made your cheeks get hot. He chuckled then, like only an old grandfather type can, and winked.

You feel even more nervous than before.

On your break, you stand outside in the back taking a long drag from a blunt you brought with you in your cigarette case. No one else smokes so you are always alone out here and its windy so you feel pretty safe about doing this now. You have been on edge since you started wondering if tonight was a date and it has just gotten worse. You almost messed up two orders. You are a motherfuckin' professional though and you will be struck down by the wicked righteousness before you all up and mess up your cooking.

You have decided on making manicotti shells with sausage, cream cheese, mozzarella, and spaghetti sauce. It was a simple dish but it makes a big impression and you can't deny that you want to impress Karkat. You smile to yourself and a little bit of the nervousness slips away.

The restaurant closes around 9:00pm and you start cleaning everything up with the help of the other workers. You finish a little after 9:30 and everyone else has left except you and the owner. He comes up to you as you are setting up what you need for cooking the dinner.

"What happened to your hand, son?" he asks. You can hear the worry in his voice and you freeze. You were hoping that he would not notice the bandaged hand because, you know, your whole hand being all up and wrapped with white bandages is not motherfucking noticeable at all.

"Haha, I was all up and helping a friend clean out a spare room and motherfuckin' cut myself on this glass statue that was all broken." you lie, adding a chuckle for good measure. He places a hand on your shoulder but the worried look is still there.

"You need to be more careful, Gamzee. You're like family to us here." he says and his face gives way to a small smile. You smile too and promise to be careful but roll your eyes when his back is turned. He leaves the restaurant shortly after that and you can't help but feel a little odd being there all by yourself. You have never stayed so late before and especially not all by yourself.

Time flies as you cook though and soon you hear a knock at the service entrance door. You fumble with what you are doing and almost trip as you hurl yourself to the door. You take a second to brush off your apron and then open the door.

Its Karkat. He is right on time. He's not dressed in anything special and it kind of makes you feel better. He's adorable.

"Are you going to keep staring or let me in? I'm fucking freezing my balls off out here." Karbro growls and you step aside so he can hurry in and you close the door. You lead him to a table you set up with two chairs and a crisp, white table cloth just outside of the kitchen.

"Here. You sit right down there. I'm almost done puttin' everything together." You say and motion for him to sit down. He sits and you smile at him. He crosses his arms and does not smile but he doesn't scowl either. He unwraps the grey scarf from his neck and takes off his black jacket.

You remember that you still have work to do and turn and go back to the kitchen to finish up. You manage to not ruin it even though your hands are shaking and you can't help but glace at the door separating you. A few minutes later, you bring out two plates of food and set them at the table. You sit down and he stares at you.

"What is it?" he asks and leans over the plate, taking a deep breath.

"Just try it."

"I guess it smells alright." he says but scrunches his nose up.

You laugh. He is just so cute that you can't help it. Also, have you mentioned that you have a case of wicked nervousness yet? You can hear him growl and you cough, trying to stop the laughter. You clear your throat and take a bite of the food in front of you.

It tastes okay. You send a silent thank you to the Mirthful Messiahs. Now you just have to wait for him to try it.

You look up to find his fork, in hand covered with food, hovering in front of his mouth. His mouth is hanging wide open but once he catches you looking up, he snaps it shut. You raise an eyebrow.

"Don't watch me." he grumbles.

"Sure thing, motherfucker." you answer with a grin and focus on eating your own food.

You don't hear much over your own chewing but sometimes you think you hear soft "mmm's". You can't stop smiling.

When you are done, you look at him expectantly as he finishes off his last bite. Once it is swallowed, he looks you straight in your eyes and a grin flashes on his face.

"That was fucking delicious. You better have dessert."

You're laughing again as relief floods every part of you. "Of course I do." you manage to gasp out. You regain control of yourself and stand and walk back to the kitchen. You open the freezer to pull out the extra cheese cake you made from scratch earlier today and cut two slices. You sit them on plates with drizzled chocolate on the bottoms and then ladle some strawberry sauce on top of each and place a half strawberry on each to top them off. You carry them back out to Karkat and set his on the table in front of him. You take yours and sit back down.

Karkat is not quiet this time you notice. Much to your delight, he makes audible moans with each bite and you make a mental note that me must like sweet things. 

When he is done, he leans back in his chair and rubs his stomach, the wickedest of smiles on his face.

"If I could eat like that every day I would be as big as goddamned house and proud of it. Fucking fuck, Gamzee." he groans and you get this fluttery motherfucking feeling in your belly.

"I'm all kinds of motherfuckin' happy that you liked it," You say and grab your plate and his. "You can get your chill on here while I clean up then." You take both plates back to the kitchen and start washing the dishes, wiping down the counters and stove, and putting everything away. When you come back to the table you see that the table cloth has been folded and the table wiped down. You look up at Karkat. "Did you clean this up?"

"Who the fuck else would have done it, moron? Ghosts?" he sneers and crosses his arms.

"Haha, nah, motherfucker. " You wave your hand around in the air slowly; figuratively swatting away the idea. "Thanks, Karkat."

"...Its the least I could do." he grumbles and looks away. 

"Well, I guess we should all up and get out of here then." you say and head to the door. Karkat follows you and you both exit the building. You lock the door and turn to start walking away. You stop though, feeling something tugging on your sleeve and you turn to Karkat. He is looking at his feet while holding on to the sleeve of your jacket. He holds a piece of paper out towards you.

You take the white square from him and open it. There is a sequence of numbers written on it in slanting, stiff script. You look down at Karkat, your face displaying the confusion in your head. He gave you his phone number?

"Its so you can call me. Or text. Or whatever." he mumbles, still looking down.

"Does this mean I can all up and call you 'bro' again?" you ask as you fish your phone out of your pocket and start entering the number. He lets go of your sleeve and sighs.

"Yeah, I fucking guess so," he turns to you and his cheeks are a little pink. That might be because its so motherfucking cold out though. "What the hell are you doing?" His scrunches his eyebrows together.

"I'm addin' your digits to my motherfuckin' phone, Karbro." You explain, grinning, and you turn the small screen to face him as a text sends saying "HeY bEsT fRiEnD" to a contact labeled "Karbro". A couple seconds later, Karkat's phones beeps and he rolls his eyes.

"Clowny dumbass." You're pretty sure that's what he said but it was so soft. You smile anyway because he is also smiling despite the insult. Its more like a term of endearment coming from him anyway and you have always known this. You reach out and grab his arm, pulling him against you. You wrap your arms around the tiny boy and squeeze softly. He hugs you back.

You ask if he minds if you walk him home but he says a lot of motherfucking words that just boil down to no. That's okay though. You make plans for him to come over to your place in a couple days before you separate. 

On the walk home you think about all the cleaning you will have to do since you actually know he is coming over this time and it makes you feel all floaty again. You actually have a reason to make your home look nice for once. It is a motherfucking miracle and so is Karkat and you are so astounded by the fact that these miracles are happening to you. You cannot even fathom how this could be better.


	5. Sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluffy fluffy fluff

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you are baking a cherry pie for Karkat.

You have been doing this because, while Karkat has been spending lots of time with you lately, this is the first time that he is staying over until tomorrow. 

A lot of that time has been spent at your apartment that you spent a lot of time cleaning since the first couple times he was over. You also had to fix your medicine cabinet. Occasionally you both go down to your favorite bistro to get food. The girls that work there are really nice and you like going there because they treat you and Karbro so well. They even give you discounts now. Sometimes, they whisper to Karkat and giggle a lot and that causes him to sit down with you with his cheeks all pink like he's flustered.

Its been about two months now since Karkat found you and you feel like you have spent so much time together but he always has school and work and you have work too. This is the first time you both have time off. You were only half joking when you said that he should come stay with you to kick the wicked shit and just chill for a whole night. When he said yes; you thought he was joking too but he said that he would bring over movies to watch and told you what time he would be there.

The other times the two of you hung out at your place, you played video games and you cooked. Sometimes, Karkat would watch you play your acoustic guitar. He was so surprised that you had picked it up and even more impressed that you taught yourself to play. He said that he was not blessed with the miracle of musical talent. Not in those words, of course, but all the same. When you guys got bored of being indoors; you went out walking around or to the park or the movie theater or to the bistro and chatted with the girls there. You found out one day that two of them go to the same college as Karkat. 

You like spending time with Karkat. You like having time to yourself too though. Before you started your baking you had to run some errands before Karkat got here and that included some things that you don't really want him to know about. If he knew, he would just get his freak out on. You needed to get it done though because you were running dangerously low on your meds. Karkat has helped distract you from your issues a lot but not all the time. You can still feel the voices waiting for your to drop your guard. You also got more of the lovely Mary Jane because she helps too. 

You also had to go grocery shopping but that part was easy.

Now you were ready for a fun night with your best motherfuckin' friend. You have popcorn and ordered pizza and dessert was almost done and Karkat should be getting to your place any minute. 

There was a knock on the door a few minutes later and you go to answer it. Pulling the door open, you see him standing there with a messenger bag slung across his front and a smaller bag hanging from his shoulder. The movies must be in the messenger bag. You just motherfuckin' know it because he would just bring so many. That's just him. He loves movies. Especially romantic comedies and its just too damned adorable. You step aside so he can walk in.

"Is the pizza here yet? I'm so fucking hungry the starving homeless guy on the corner wept fucking tears of understanding for me." He shouts as he goes to your TV and sets his bags on the floor next to it. He turns to you, a thin eyebrow raised. You smile.

"Its on the way, Karbro." You say and the timer for your pie goes off so you go to the kitchen and turn it off but turn back to Karkat when you hear him shouting again. 

"What the fuck are you baking now?"

"A cherry miracle pie."

"What the fuck makes it a miracle pie?"

"I made for us to eat together in celebration of this special occasion of fates collidin' to allow us so much time to all up and chill together."

"Are you high?"

You just keep smiling and turn back to the oven, putting your oven mitts on and opening the door. The smell of baked cherries and bread fill the apartment immediately. You reach in and grab the treat and take it to the cooling rack you have set up on the counter behind you, closing the oven with your foot. When you sit it down, you glance at Karkat and notice his eyes are glued to the dessert as he licks his lips.

"We gotta eat the main course first, Karkat. That way we can savor the sweet taste of this miracle treat so as to all up and maximize the happiness it sends flowing right into us with each bite." You explain and you're not sure he heard you until he blinks a second later and looks at you instead.

"Jesus dicks, you are fucking high as a goddamned plane."

"You could be too, my brother, if you let the miracles into you and relax so that they can swirl all around in you and lift you way up into the heavens." You end this statement with a deep inhale over the warm pie. You let your eyes flutter shut, catching the image of Karkat staring at you with his mouth hanging open.

"Fucking, what the fuck. Why not." Came Karkat's voice and you smile more. When you open your eyes he is next to you so you place your hand on the top of his head for a minute and ruffle his hair. He growls at you and you laugh.

"Come on." You say and head around the corner and down the short hall to your room. You open the door and step back so that he can go in. You know your room is pretty plain looking but you never really got the desire to decorate. You wonder what he is thinking but instead of asking you just go to your closet and get the bong out. You turn with the purple glass device and hold it out to Karkat. He takes it a little hesitantly and you go to your bedside table to get your stash out of the little drawer there. Pulling the baggie out with your new supply, you sit on your bed and motion for Karkat to join you. He does and you take the bong from him to pack it and then hand it back with a smile. You grab the lighter on the little table but don't hand it to him. He lifts an eyebrow. You suddenly have a very strong desire to put the lighter behind your back and make him struggle with you for it.

"Fuck, Gamzee, it isn't going to light just because we think about it lighting with our magic powers. Because we're, you know, not fucking magic." he grumbles and his eyebrows knit together and he looks up at you. You give your head a little shake and hand over the lighter. He lights it up and takes a hit. He coughs a little but handles it like a pro otherwise. He must have done this before. He turns to you and opens his eyes and a slow smile stretches his lips. You lean a little closer, your own smile never faltering. He opens his mouth like he's about to say something and then the doorbell rings.

You both jump and Karkat jerks the bong against himself, the water inside sloshing around, and slams his jaw shut. He must have bit something because the next noise is his voice shouting very creative obscenities which just causes you to laugh. You get up and go to the front door to get the pizza from the guy on the other side of it.

You have the pizza and hot wings spread out and open when Karkat shuffles back out and you hand him one of the paper plates you just grabbed. He starts piling pizza and wings onto the plate and you follow suite. 

You flop down on the couch with your food and Karkat sits his on the table in front of it and goes to turn on the TV and DVD player.

"I only brought a few from my collection of fucking awesome cinematic brilliance."

"What are we starting with then?"

"Its a surprise."

"Its a rom-com."

"Shut up." He hisses, like a cat and everything, and you should not think that its cute but, motherfuck, its adorable. He roots around in his bag and pulls out a DVD and opens it and places the disc in the player. Leaving the case on your entertainment center, he walks back to the couch and sits down next to you. He grabs the remote and presses the button to close the disc tray and the movie starts up. Its a movie called Friends With Benefits. The play option is selected and you turn your head to the boy next to you. He turns to look back at you and you just smile. He makes this snorting noise like he's trying to not laugh and fails. He shushes you when the movie starts.

Twenty minutes in and you are so bored. You don't want to be bored but there is no way you can all up and focus on this movie. You ate all of your food so you sit the plate on the table next to Karkat's and get up to get you both pie. 

"Where are you going?" He asks and you can hear that he paused the movie.

"Getting us some motherfuckin' pie." You answer, getting two new plates and a knife out.

"Oh. Can I have two slices?"

"Sure thing, Karbro." You chuckle and you turn to the dessert and start cutting.

Another ten or so minutes pass and you are lounging back on the couch trying to keep your eyes open. If you don't figure out a way to entertain yourself you'll be falling asleep and that just won't motherfuckin' do because you want to spend time with Karkat. You try focusing on him for a bit. You kind of wish you were as into to these kinds of movies as he is. He barely even blinks while watching it and when the characters do something stupid, he yells at them. He gasps and laughs and smiles and cries and gets so engrossed with the film that he has no idea that you have been watching him this whole time instead of the movie. Its more entertaining to watch him though. When he is like this, his emotions are laid out straight up and all in plain view like they used to be when you were kids. You start to wonder what made him start to hide things like that. He even tries to hide his anger but you notice he has more trouble with that. He's always been short tempered though and the fact that he tries to hide all of what he feels bothers you. It doesn't seem natural and you want to tell him he needs to embrace his feelings because no good ever came from bottling up things. You would know. You can't tell him that though. He might ask about you if you bring it up. But would that really be such a bad idea? What if he is okay with it? What if he tries to help you? What if he could make it all better? You smile thinking of these miracles because you know that its just your drugged up mind indulging in the mirthful fantasies of a happy, normal life. It doesn't hurt to dream but you know the difference between that and reality. You'll just stay in the wonders of dreamland a bit longer though. At least until the movie is over.

Five minutes later the movie ends. You didn't catch a single bit of it but Karkat is sniffling and smiling so you think it had a happy ending. You reach over and run your hand through his hair and he leans into your touch. Only for a minute though and after that he jerks himself up and goes towards the system.

"So, uh, fuck. I, uh....I brought a shitty horror movie too. I don't even fucking know if you still like those but its one we used to watch as kids."

"Is it the one I'm thinking of?" You ask and the fact that he sounds nervous now for some reason has not escaped your notice.

"Army of Darkness." You both say and you smile because you knew as soon as he said "shitty horror movie" because you would both call it that even though you thought it was the greatest thing when you were kids. Karkat never could handle scary movies and you could never sit still for most movies but this one was just so bad that it caught your attention. You didn't even know why you liked it so much but it became a sort of guilty pleasure for the two of you. You would watch it because it was so bad it was good and Karkat would watch because it wasn't quite as scary as other horror films.

With the DVD ready and Karkat back on the couch wrapping the fleece blanket that was on the back of it around him and over his head, you feel more alert. Its been years since you've seen this movie. It was probably one of the last good memories you have with Karkat before you left. You remember how he would curl up against your side through most of it ready to hide his face in your shirt at scary parts. He did this with every horror film but this one was special because you actually sat through the whole thing and Karkat didn't have to whine about how you can't leave him alone with the scary movie.

Sure enough, at the first scary part, Karkat had shoved his face into your side and started whining for you to tell him when it was over. You chuckle as you adjust your positions so that your legs are stretched out on the couch and he is laying on top of you, face hiding against your chest, and the blanket covers him and your lower half. You lay your hand on top of his head. You stay like that for the rest of the movie with Karkat peaking out at the screen when the scary parts were over. The movie was just as horribly good as you remember but your favorite part is still Karkat hiding against you.

When the movie is over, you reach for the remote and turn the system off and the TV. You heard Karkat yawn at some point and after that he didn't move much so you think he might be asleep.

"Is it bed time?" He yawns. Oh. He wasn't quite asleep yet but his voice is thick so you think he was probably dozing.

"Thats right, sleepy little Karbro." You whisper. "Go on and lay that tired head back down for some wicked Z's."

"Mmph, but I'm laying on you." He mumbles but doesn't move. "I should get up so you can go to your room." You wrap both arms around him but he lifts his head and upper body and looks down at you.

"Its okay, motherfucker. No need to go through all that trouble." You smile up at those big eyes. "I like this arrangement anyway." His mouth drops open for just a second before he snaps it shut and turns away from you. You're pretty sure that he's blushing and you wish there was a light on so you could see for sure.

You lift your left hand up to his right cheek and move his face back to look at you. You're not sure what mirthful whimsies has taken hold of you at this moment but you're leaning towards him now, throwing caution to the wind. Your noses are almost touching and you pause. You start to think that he is going to abscond the fuck out of here.

But he doesn't.

He tilts his head slightly and closes the distance between your lips. Its sweet and soft and he's so warm. It feels like it lasts for hours but when he pulls away, you realize it was only a few seconds and you want more. He's biting his bottom lip now and you want to be doing that too so you bump your nose against his. He focuses back on you.

"Don't get your brain all going on about this and ruin the magic." You say, softly. "There ain't gotta be nothing more than this. Not if you don't want it." You lay back down and reach your other arm up to lay them both behind his neck and you pull him down towards you. You think he is just going to lay his head down and go to sleep but he touches his lips to yours again, soft at first, and your mouths move together slowly. He opens his mouth for you so you slide your tongue through to meet his. You break away to breathe and you nip his bottom lip which causes him to let out a surprised squeak. His eyes are huge now and then he slams his forehead down against your chest.

"Oh my fucking god, that did not just happen." He whines from your shirt and you laugh. You lift your head and place a kiss to the top of his and move your arms down to wrap around his waist.

"Sweet dreams, Karkat."


	6. Avoiding Issues...Again

You’re back at your parent’s bedroom door. You’re staring at the doorknob and you know that you should go in but you can’t. You can’t face it. Not again. Instead, you turn around and lean against the door so that it can’t make you go in. You take a deep breath and as you look down the dark hallway, you see a shadowy silhouette slide out of your room.

It turns to you and your heart freezes. You freeze. You’re eyes are wide and you know what is coming next. The figure moves toward you and it’s so fast that you don’t have time to move. He’s right in front of you now and you can see his face, painted white, and something dark splotched around his lips. You’re still frozen in disbelief and he takes this opportunity to grab your neck with both hands and pull you towards him.

“Kill them all.” Your brother whispers in your ear and the words are garbled but you understand. You struggle against him but he slams you back against the door and you squeeze your eyes shut for just a second. When you open them, you see that he is smiling as wide as he can despite the thick threads sewing his lips together. The sight is horrifying and your mind goes blank as you struggle against him and start screaming. He tightens his grip on your neck and you can no longer breathe. You gasp and struggle but his grip is too tight to pry open so you reach your hands out towards him. They’re just within reach of his neck so you latch on and squeeze. The hands on your neck loosen and you close your eyes as you gasp for air. When you open your eyes again, the person that you are choking is not your brother anymore.

It’s Karkat.

You try to let go but gloved hands wrap around your own and hold them in place, squeezing tighter. You turn to your right and your brother is there now and he is still smiling and it’s still gruesome. You keep trying to pull your hands away from Karkat but they won’t budge and you can hear him gasping. Your eyes sting as tears start to form.

“Please, Kurloz. Please let go. Please stop!” You beg your brother but he just laughs at you.

“He’ll just be taken away too. Why not do it yourself?” Kurloz whispers and its low and cold. You’re determined to not hurt your Karkat. You’ll fight as hard as it takes. You slam your eyes shut and put everything you have into throwing Karkat out of your grip. You hear a loud thud followed by a very angry “What the fuck?!” You open your eyes.

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you have just flipped Karkat off of you and onto the floor.

You take several breaths because you feel like you just ran a marathon. Uphill. Your eyes still sting. You look at your hands. They’re shaking. You sit up and put them next to you on the couch to stop the shaking. Karkat is standing next to you now so you turn to face him. He’s glaring at you, arms folded over his chest. You laugh a little nervously.

“Sorry about that, Karbro. I guess I had a nightmare.” You offer in explanation. His expression softens into a frown and he rubs one hand up and down his upper arm.

“Oh. Do…uh, do you want to talk about it?” He asks while looking away from you and he seems uncomfortable now. You stand up and wrap your arms around him, nuzzling your face in his soft hair.

“I might have wanted to if I could motherfuckin’ remember it but it slipped through my fingers.” You tell him and then let him go. “I’m just going to use the bathroom now and then we can get ourselves back to sleep.” You smile and you hope its convincing as you head to your bathroom, trying not to run.

You close the door behind you and let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You turn to go to your medicine cabinet when you see him. You’re so startled that you jump back into the closed door behind you and gasp. You stare, wide eyed, at the person you know can’t possibly be there. There is no way he can and yet you see him. Your mind must be playing tricks on you. Yeah, that’s it. You blink your eyes several times but he is still there.

Your brother.

Kurloz.

He is perched on the edge of your toilet, one leg sitting on top of the other at the ankle. One arm is laying across his lap while he leans on the other, head resting on the palm of that hand. His mouth is stretched in a wide grin with the lips straining against the threads still holding them shut. A little bit of blood seeps out where the threads go through. His face is painted like a skull and he is wearing a full body, black leotard painted with a white skeleton design with short purple shorts over it. His hair is wild and longer than yours and his eyes are all white. It’s really all up and creeping you the fuck out.

A soft knock on the door makes you jump away this time and turn to face it.

“Y-yeah?” You stutter over your reply so you fake a cough and hope that covers it.

“Are you okay in there, Gamzee?” It’s Karkat. Of course it’s Karkat. There is no one else here. You glance over your shoulder. He’s still there. Motherfuck.

“Uh, yeah sure, motherfucker. It’s all good. Ain’t nothin’ to be all up and worryin’ about.” You answer and cringe at the note of hysteria in your voice. You hope Karkat doesn’t notice. There is a brief pause, during which your heart busts out of your chest and does a nose dive to the floor, before he says “okay” and you hear him shuffle away from the door.

You swallow and close your eyes. You really don’t want to turn around. Maybe, if you stay like this long enough, he will go away. Maybe, if you can get to your medication without turning around, it will be like this didn’t even happen.

_You cannot make me go away, little brother._

Motherfuck!

You turn around, slowly, and he is definitely still there. Still grinning at you. You narrow your eyes at him.

_**Not even if I ask nicely?** _

He laughs and with every noise, his eyes glow purple. They go back to white once he is silent again.

_No._

_**Motherfuckin’ great. I’ll just take more pills then.**_ You step in front of your medicine cabinet and open it. You begin pulling out the pill bottles you need and opening them. He starts laughing.

_Oh, those won’t work anymore._

You pause for a second as fear tries to slither around you but you give your head a little shake and resume counting out your meds.

_**We’ll see about that.**_ You shove the pills into your mouth and swallow. You refuse to acknowledge him again as you turn and open the door. You go back to the living room where Karkat is waiting, sitting on the couch and flipping through channels on your TV. You drop down beside him and lift your arm to wrap around his shoulders but he gets up. You let your arm fall.

“About fucking time. Now it’s my turn.” He explains while stomping to the bathroom.

_Seems like he couldn’t get away from you fast enough._

You sigh and turn your head to the left a bit and, sure enough, Kurloz is there. Perched on the arm rest next to you with a wide grin. You roll your eyes. You won’t let him mess with your head this time. You turn back to the TV. You can’t really pay attention to it though because you are now hyper-aware of the person next to you that isn’t actually next to you but is as clear as if he really was there.

But he is not there.

Karkat comes back and sits next to you again but a little closer than before and you relax a little. You put your arm around him and he leans into you. When you glance to the left again, Kurloz is gone. You squeeze your arm around Karkat a little and relax completely. You close your eyes as you thank the Messiahs for the little miracle against you.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something is nudging your side so you peel your eyes apart and try to focus on whatever it is. You’re sure it must be Karkat but you never really know these things.

“Wake up, asshole. We have to eat something.”

Totally Karkat.

You blink several times but your vision persist in its stubborn blurriness. That’s okay though, they must be tired. You bring your hand up and through the dark blob in front of you that you assume is Karkat’s hair. You rub your thumb behind his ear which causes a soft humming noise and you smile. The noise stops abruptly, being replaced by a low growl and your hand is smacked away. He stands up and moves away but your vision is still blurry so you can’t tell what he is doing now.

“I’m going to brush my teeth and change my shirt so you better fucking be ready to leave once I’m done.”

“Sure thing, best bro.” You chuckle but don’t move for a few minutes. When you do get up and take a step, you bump into the coffee table and almost go crashing to the floor. You turn to the table and give it a pat. “I all up and forgot you were there, bro. My bad.” You step to the side and proceed to your room.

While throwing a random shirt on, your vision clears up and you thank your eyes for being all considerate and helping you see despite how tired they must be. You take a look at the shirt you ended up with. It’s your Riddle Box tee and you agree that this is a good choice. You walk back out to the living room and see that Karkat is already standing at the door.

On the walk through your apartment building you discuss the different places that you could eat but end up going to the bistro that you took Karkat to that first time. The girls greet the both of you with enthusiasm and ask if you want the usual. You both respond with a yes and they begin working. You stay at the register since it’s your turn to pay this time. You don’t notice one of the girls staring at you until she clears her throat. You turn to her with a smile.

“Please tell me that you two are a thing finally.” She says, her bright green eyes shifting between you and Karkat with a grin on her face.

“’A thing’?” You ask and tilt your head to the left a bit.

“Yeah. Like, are the two of you together?”

“Uh. I don’t know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, it’s all miraculous and shit and you don’t question miracles. You just kind of go with whatever feels right. You know?”

“There are times when that is acceptable, sure. However, when dealing with sensitive relationship type situations, you have to really lay things out so that everyone involved understands and no one gets their feelings hurt.”

Another girl brings the food out and sits it in front of you. She pauses and looks at the brunette that you have been talking to and raises her eyebrows. The brunette shakes her head and the blonde that brought the food frowns and sighs. She turns to you for a second with a strange look that you think might be sympathy and then walks back to the kitchen. You look back at the brunette.

“I don’t even know if he swings my way.” You explain and you let your smile drop just a bit.

“Sounds like you two have a lot to discuss.” She says and one of her eyebrows raise. “Just talk to him.” She pushes your order towards you slightly and smiles.

“That’s a good motherfuckin’ idea, my sister.” And with that you take the tray of food and smile again.

You go to the little table that Karkat is sitting at and set the food out in front of him and you sit down. You both eat about two bites before you start talking.

“So, are you gay?”

Apparently, the question caught him by surprise because his first response is to choke on the food in his mouth. He coughs a few times and then takes a long drink of water. He then coughs again and glares at you all red faced and out of breath. Its motherfuckin’ adorable.

“I would have thought that was mind-numbingly obvious after last night.” He growls.

“Then would it be all up and safe to assume that you are up for more sloppy make-outs?”

“What?” He whisper/shouts at you and his face has turned an even darker red color. “No. I mean, maybe. Look, we are just starting to be friends again after years of being separated for whatever reason and I think there is just tension due to the unresolved issues, that’s all.”

“What?”

He pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes for a second. When he looks back at you, he has a serious face.

“I think that some feelings are getting mixed up here.” He pauses and you stare. After a few seconds he raises his eyebrows like he’s waiting for a response from you so you nod your head. “I think it would be a mistake to go down that road.” He continues. “I mean, I just found you. Last night was nice but it was just a number of little things that stacked up and it seemed like a way to relieve that in the moment. Certain substances not-fucking-withstanding. I’m actually glad that you brought it up because we really need to talk about some things.”

“I was just thinking of making out again. That’s all.” You respond because he just said a lot of words and you sure as fuck did not follow it all. Your brain is still a little fuzzy, if you’re being honest and whatnot.

“…oh.” He looks down and taps his pointer finger on the table a few times.

He still hasn’t said anything after a few minutes so you resume eating and look out the window. There is a little garden area outside the window where you both are seated and it’s filled with colorful flowers. You like this spot because of the view of all those colors. You’ve spent countless hours sitting here and staring at them because they’re just so bright and happy looking. More miracles. A bee lands on one of the pink flowers and goes about his bee business and he looks so tiny compared to the flower and everything around him. The Mirthful Messiahs must think that you are so tiny compared to this huge world and all the people in it. So many people and you’re just a tiny part of them and we’re all just a tiny part of this whole miracle planet which is only a tiny part of whatever else is out there and we are all connected. Not everyone can see it but you can and it’s a miracle.


	7. It Does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I still think it is missing something but I hope it will all flow together better once its all done. There is some plot progression in this chapter, YAY. I hope you enjoy.

You stay spaced out for the rest of the time you and Karkat are out. It’s pretty easy because your mind is circling itself around magical things and getting distracted by everything. Once, your thoughts drift to what the girl said about talking to Karkat again. You think maybe you should have said that you actually like him. Maybe it would make a difference. Maybe it wouldn’t.

The focus shifts again and you’re thinking about juggling now. A very small part of you tries to grab the previous thought but it slips away like the wind. Oh well. Probably better this way. Can’t be all up and fighting matters all the time. You just have to flow with the river sometimes.

When you are both back at your apartment, you get distracted from your thought train by Karkat opening and closing his mouth several times. You think he might have been doing this for a while now but you haven’t been paying attention. It reminds you of a fish and you picture Karkat as a fish. You chuckle. His mouth curves down.

“What?”

“Nothin’, bro. Just thinking about how cute you look when you’re all up and searching for words to make come out.”

He rolls his eyes and throws his arms in the air. “I really don’t know why I’m making this into such a big deal.” He sighs and pauses. He rubs a hand down his face. “I don’t even know where to start but I figure it’s about time you know. After you left, things kind of…weren’t right.”

You’re not sure where this is coming from or where it’s going but you figure it’s probably serious. Before he can continue, you grab his hand and lead him to the couch where you sit yourselves down. He takes a deep breath before he turns a bit to face you. He starts and stops a few times before he seems to find the words.

“I told everyone it was an accident but they didn’t seem too interested in what I had to say. I calmly explained and then I tried again and then I yelled and screamed it. No one cared. No one had the time to care because Terezi was hurt and you were just fucking gone.” Your stomach lurches unpleasantly at that name. The nerves in your hands twitch. “She’s okay now, by the way. An ambulance was called and they took her to the ER. I eventually got to see her after she woke up. When she hit the sandbox, something in her head got knocked loose and she was blind when she woke up. The surgeons were able to restore most of her vision but things were still a little blurry. With glasses, she can see perfectly now. She’s okay.”

That doesn’t make the queasiness in your stomach go away. A part of you hopes it never goes away. It means you still feel guilty. _Are you sure that’s what you feel?_

“I told them over and over again that it was just an accident. That you didn’t mean to push her down. I got violent when they brushed me off or tried to calm me down but it didn’t matter. When I got home the day after it happened, my father said I was to stay inside and listen to Kankri while he joined the search party for you. I snuck out and searched myself. I knew all the places you would go, after all.”

_He wanted to turn you in._

“As the years went by, everyone gave up the search but…well…I lied before. I didn’t. Not really. It’s actually pretty dumb but I would sneak out late at night and wander around honking a goddamned bike horn.”

Your chest feels kind of hot now. He’s stopped talking for a bit and has looked away from you. You think he might be done. You want to know more. You want to know everything about his life that you weren’t there for. You want to know why he is different now. You want to know why he seems far away even though he’s right here. “What happened after that?”

He blinks up at you. He seems confused and you wonder if it’s because you are no longer smiling. “…I stopped talking for a long time. I figured, since no one was listening to me about it being an accident, then it didn’t matter if I said anything at all. One day, it just kind of snuck up on me, I realized that this might all be my fault. If I had been a better friend, if I had been there for you, maybe you wouldn’t have left. Dad was so…humoring? Or supportive? I don’t know which for sure but it just made me feel guilty so I avoided him when I could. Kankri lectured me more and more about how this was causing a lot of problems and that I needed to grow up, blah blah blah. After a while, it got a lot easier to ignore him if I just walked away.”

_Do you really believe him?_

“Sollux and Tavros tried to get me to come around but the older I got the more I shut everyone out. Deep down I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but as soon as I thought it was my fault, I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy anything. I didn’t deserve to. I was a shitty friend and I was proving myself right. They stuck around though because they’re stubborn assholes.” He pauses and takes another deep breath. You want to touch him, to take his hand, rub his shoulders, hug him. He looks even smaller now and you think he might break if you do. Instead, you just sit still and wait.

“Before I graduated from high school, Kankri kind of lost it. I guess he just had enough of me or something because, out of nowhere, he grabbed my shirt in both fists and just decked me. It was pretty weak but it was the fact that KANKRI hit me that had me stunned. He hit me again too because I didn’t react. Then he shook me and shouted for me to ‘snap out of it’. It was the first time I ever heard him raise his voice. He eventually stopped shaking me and hugged me instead. He squeezed me so hard I couldn’t breathe and he started crying. He said he missed his little brother. I told him I couldn’t breathe. He stopped blubbering and looked back at me and I just glared at him. His look of confusion would have been funny if he didn’t hug me again. I punched him in the ribs until he let me go.”

“After that I started talking again but it was more or less to avoid another scene like with Kankri. I got into college out here with Sollux so we got an off-campus apartment together and have been living here since then.” He finishes with a shrug and looks at you again. He has been looking all around for a while now but he is focusing on you again. You start to feel chest tighten and it gets a little harder to breathe.

_If he really cares so much, maybe you *should* tell him. Go on. Put him to the test. I dare you._

You need to take your medicine.

He’s looking at you though, with those big eyes. It’s your turn to share now. You know that’s what he wants. It’s what he needs. But you can’t.

_He will lock you up. He will hate you. He will be afraid of you. You will be all alone again. With me._

You open your eyes and find yourself completely engulfing Karkat. He’s rubbing your back. You don’t remember getting into this position but you are glad that you are here. You relax against him and let the tension all down your spin be rubbed out by his touch. You don’t hear your brother’s voice anymore. You think, maybe, it’s because of Karkat.

“You’re shaking” His voice rumbles near your ear. Are you shaking? You loosen your hold on him and look at your hands resting on his back. Yes, it seems you are shaking. “Are…are you afraid?” He whispers. You nod your head against him and squeeze him close again. “Afraid of talking about it?” You nod again. This is much easier. You’re not sure if it’s because you’re holding Karkat or because you aren’t actually saying anything.

“What if talking about it helps?” He has a good point but you just can’t handle that right now. The thought of admitting that you might have what your brother did; it makes you feel like you’re gasping for air but nothing can get through because your lungs are already full and you’re struggling to get away but you just sink instead.

Karkat lets you hang onto him for a long while. When you finally let him go, you excuse yourself to the bathroom.

You take more pills and stare into the sink for a few minutes. You clench and unclench your hands and try to steady your breathing. You’re still jittery so you exit the bathroom and head to your closet for your bong. You don’t look in the mirror.

You are rummaging through your closet for the bong when someone clears their throat from behind you. You freeze. The back of your neck tingles.

“You know that’s not actually helping, don’t you?” It’s Karkat. You release the breath you were holding.

“I’m not sure what you’re all up and referin’ to, my brother.” You say as you grab what you were looking for.

“Don’t play dumb.”

“I mean, it’s like miracles. You see, it lifts me up to a place of paradise where I just watch things and everything is floaty and nice. There are no harsh whimsies there and my mind is free.”

He just stares at you with his mouth hanging open a bit.

You push his jaw closed as you walk by towards the bed. You make yourself comfortable and pat the space next to you. He rolls his eyes and leaves the room shouting that he will be waiting on the couch and that you both are going to play some shooting game.

You are not good with shooting games. Karkat gets angry a lot but tries to refrain from being too mean for some reason. You die a lot but you do end the match with a few kills. All headshots somehow. More miracles. After you prove to be “an awful teammate”, you switch to a private map and just shoot each other for a while. You lose complete track of time but at some point Karkat goes back to the bathroom and your mind runs away again.

You were just thinking about getting a unicycle when something slams down, loudly on the coffee table. You feel like you should have jumped but your body didn’t do it. You look over to see Karkat looking like he swallowed something sour. You tilt your head to the side.

“What is that?” He points to the table. You follow his finger to an orange prescription bottle with the label peeled off.

Oh.

“My little magic think pan defenders.” Well, that’s close enough to what you meant. His brows knit together and he curls up his left hand. His right hand lifts to point a menacing finger at you.

“When you are sober again, we’re talking about this. Whether you fucking like it or not. I have nothing to do tomorrow anyway and you don’t have work until late. You’re not getting away from it this time.”

There is a numb part of your brain that tries to feel something about that but it’s successfully overshadowed by the idea of kissing Karkat. “Haha, no, brother, there won’t be any wiggling out of anything.” You motion for him to come over to you. He crosses his arms over his chest. You take that as an inviting challenge.

You push yourself up off the couch and stalk towards the small boy in the center of your living room. You bend at your knees just enough to wrap your arm around his middle and lift him up and over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Of course he struggles and shouts at you but he’s not getting away. You chuckle and head for your bedroom.

You sit him on the bed and before he can say anything, you lean down close to his face. You’re so close that your noses are just barely touching. He’s holding his breath. A smile creeps its way across your face. “There ain’t nothin gettin’ all mixed up about this. My heart jumps out to meet yours. I know. I can feel it.”

He swallows audibly. You feel his hand touch your chest and linger there.

“There is something wrong, Gamzee.”

“There is something right, Karkat. Miracles. The real miracle, though, will be if your heart all up and meets mine.”

He leans in closer and pushes his lips to yours. You close your eyes and tilt your head. The kiss deepens. You lightly suck his bottom lip and are rewarded with a soft moan from him. He pulls away too soon though and you blindly try to follow. Before you get very far you feel a light tap to your forehead. You open your eyes and look at him. His hand finds itself cupping your cheek so you lean into it a little.

“It does.”

Those two words are the most beautiful words you’ve ever heard so far. You crawl around him and lay yourself on the bed next to him. He turns and lifts an eyebrow at you questioningly. You respond by pulling him across you. He adjusts and ends up straddling you at your waist. His face is flushed. You lean forward a bit and he closes the distance.

You know, back in that numb part of your mind, that when you wake up he will expect answers. You know you have to give them. Maybe he can help you. Maybe he can make you better. Maybe he can do that without knowing the real reason. You get lost again when his teeth nip at your neck.

You get lost in this moment. In him. Nothing else matters.


	8. The Begining

You couldn’t explain why you were taking so many pills. Karkat yelled and begged and even flipped your coffee table but you still couldn’t tell him. The words wouldn’t come out. 

He asked you what the pills are normally supposed to be taken for but you don’t remember. He said that one is a narcotic for pain and that he recognized it from when he broke his wrist once. You didn’t say anything. He said that he could just research each pill to find out what they are and piece together why you are taking them all on his own. You stared at him. You did not smile.

He said that he knew something was wrong. He said he should have done something when you both were kids. There was nothing he could have done then, he was a child. You told him that. He looked at you like you pointed out something any 5 year old would and started shouting again.

You got the feeling he’s just as angry with himself as he is with you. If not more. You don’t understand why.

In the end, he settled for you agreeing to stop in exchange for him not dragging you to a doctor. You kind of want to see him try but you kept that thought to yourself since he doesn’t seem to be in a playful sort of mood. 

He finally tires himself out. You know because his voice is softer and he drags both hands down his face. He goes to the couch and just collapses onto his stomach, into the cushions, face buried.

You follow him but sink down to sit on the floor with your back against the couch and your legs stretched out underneath the coffee table. You had to put it back in place earlier. A few minutes later and you think he might have passed out until you hear him move.

“Already I’m exhausted from dealing with you.” He sighs from the couch. He’s still laying there but he is facing away from the cushions now.

“I’ll take you to bed.” You say and move to get up.

“Don’t worry about it, you have to get ready for work.”

“Listen to you being all bossy-like.”

“You missed it.”

You hum in agreement as you bend down and snake your left arm under him. You lift him off the couch and walk to the bedroom. He doesn’t even have energy left to protest. That’s always been like him though, so quick to ignite and just as quickly burnt out.

You lay him in your bed and cover him with the burgundy blankets. You ruffle his hair a bit and then busy yourself with getting ready while he grumbles at you.

By the time your routine of shower, force hair back, put on clothes, and apply face paint is done; Karkat is asleep. You peek at him before turning back to your medicine cabinet and opening it. You reach for one of the pill bottles but stop just before grabbing it.

Maybe, now that you have Karkat, it won’t be so bad.

You pull your hand back and close the mirrored door. Your reflection stares back at you and its frowning, just like you. You don’t think a frown suits your face. You leave the bathroom.

You stop by the side of the bed to grab your cell phone and look at Karkat. He’s curled up in a ball now with just the top of his head peeking out of the blankets. You lean down and place a soft kiss into the fluffy dark hair. Straightening up, you look at the time and head towards the door. You’ll make it on time. You hear a soft snickering all around you as you walk out.

 

Everything at work is normal. 

At least, that’s what you keep telling yourself. You know that it’s true but that doesn’t stop the tingling feeling all over your skin. It feels like fleas are jumping all over you. So tiny that you can’t see them.

But everyone else can see them. They don’t understand why you can’t. And they just stare at you.

All of their eyes just stare at you. You can feel it. You remind yourself that you’re imagining it and that helps. You nearly jump out of your skin when you phone vibrates.

By closing time, you feel run down. It feels like every joint in your body aches and all you want to do is crawl into bed. You force yourself to keep moving though as you go through cleaning everything. After everything is clean you check your phone to see a text from Karkat.

Karbro: I’LL MEET YOU AT THE BACK OF THE RESTURAUNT TO WALK WITH YOU.

Thinking of Karkat waiting out there alone makes you feel a little queasy. You won’t deny that you rushed through the last little bit of things you had to do.

When you come out of the back door, Karkat is there crouched up against the wall in his thick black hoodie with fake fur around the hood which is pulled up over his head. You don’t know when it started but tiny white flakes are falling all around. You lock the door behind you.

“About f-fucking time!” Karkat chatter/shouts at you. You start heading towards him as he uncurls himself. You get within reaching distance and pull him to your side, rubbing his left arm up and down while his right side is squashed against your left. You actually feel kind of hot in your light zip-up but he’s shuddering almost constantly.

“You didn’t have to come all the way here just to walk me back to my building. Let me walk you to your place and I’ll go back home myself.” You say and make you both start walking. The fleas disappear.

“Ye-yeah, actu-ally, I was going t-t-to stay over a b-bit longer.” He looks up at you, teeth still chattering. “If that’s okay w-with you?”

You cock your head to the side. “I don’t got an idea as to why it wouldn’t be.” You smile and squeeze him tighter for just a second. He doesn’t say anything else and you start to think something is wrong.

The rest of the walk is silent and, although you would normally be just fine with not talking, you just know something is wrong. Karkat is tense against you and not because he’s cold, the shuddering and teeth chattering stopped a bit ago.

“Everything okay?” you ask when you get into the cramped lobby of your building.

“Oh sure. Everything is great. Everything is so okay that a giant fucking parade is going to be held in celebration of how okay this whole situation is.” He sighs and from the lack of volume alone you know he’s still tired. “We’ll talk in the apartment.” He doesn’t look at you as he starts up the stairs.

Somehow, the dim lighting in the lobby and stairwell seems dimmer as you follow him. The fleas are back.

When you reach your apartment on the fourth floor, Karkat is waiting, jacket already off. He looks at you and opens his mouth to say something. He then closes his mouth with a snap and chews on his bottom lip.

You unlock the door and let him in first. You close the door behind you and take your jacket off. You toss it with Karkat’s on the table by the door and pull the hair tie from your hair, dropping it on the jacket. Karkat is just standing in the middle of the living room.

“I’m trying to not be hurt by all this.” He starts and his eyes lock onto you, suddenly fierce. “I know I don’t have a right to be, after all. All this time you’ve been suffering alone and you didn’t have to. You’ve always known where to find me.

“Now that I’m here it only seems like I’m making things worse. If you really stop the drugs then withdraw will be hell. I won’t let you go through it alone but I want you to be sure this is what you want. I don’t want to lose you again.”

You have to think about it for a minute. His eyes never wavered from you but you have to look away now. You feel weak for already feeling the symptoms start. Now that you’re thinking about it, you really have become so dependent on those drugs. You know you have a legitimate reason but, honestly, you can’t say if the drugs are really helping or making it worse anymore. You scratch your arm a bit because the fleas won’t stop.

You don’t remember when you started to actually see Kurloz but you know it wasn’t before you ran away. Normally, you would be too high to think about this coherently and you curse yourself for being so foolish.

“I’m sure.”

Karkat visibly relaxes and lets out a gust of air. He must have been nervous. You take a few steps towards him and take his hand. He starts blushing and looks away quickly. You grab his chin with your left hand and drag his face back to you. A grin slides along your face before you crash your lips into his.

The fleas wash away as you move the hand on his chin to borough into his hair and pull him closer. He moans and you squeeze his hand in yours. He’s here and he said he’s not going to leave. The bittersweet relief rushes over you like a tidal wave when you pull away from him. He’s yours and you would tear the world apart to keep him safe.

But who is going to keep him safe from you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this took forever -.-' Sorry. I actually sat down and laid out everything for each chapter though so I hope to be able to post more regularly. Comments are wonderful and constructive criticism is welcome. Please help me improve ^.^


End file.
